


Sleep Deprivation Really Does A Number On You

by Therealtrevanian



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Panic Attacks, Sleep Deprivation, no beta we die like men, no editing either Oo hoo hoo, yeehaw boys I exclusively wrote this at 3 am over four days
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:29:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29532726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Therealtrevanian/pseuds/Therealtrevanian
Summary: Two days of no sleep, no knowledge about mental health, and the budget of a college student? Yeah Bill was doing fine. No need to look for a therapist! No need to bring up her reoccurring nightmares and apparent insomnia to anyone.Also she was totally completely alone in the world. She had to be if she felt this isolated.
Relationships: The Doctor & Bill Potts, The Doctor & Susan Foreman, Twelfth Doctor & Bill Potts
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Sleep Deprivation Really Does A Number On You

**Author's Note:**

> Lemme know if u want more chapters n shit! Have fun, I did not edit this one bit :)

The room was dark as Bill stared out at it. Her room suddenly felt incredibly small and dark, and so so quiet. The silence pressed in from all sides as she sat on the edge of her bed, breath quickened and panicked. 

This was the second night in a row she hadn’t been able to sleep. It had happened for a while after the house with the worms, and she could barely sleep during the monks at all, but this was the first time in almost a month it had happened again. She really thought the insomnia had gone away, at least for a while. 

The problem this time was that every time she closed her eyes she felt it. The weight of the gun in her hands, the despair and desperation flooding back all at once. It was like when she was just at the edge of sleep she was transported back to that moment, standing in the ship surrounded by armed guards. The Doctor telling her there was no hope, that it was her fault.

Bill ran a hand over her face, the weight of exhaustion weighing on her making her whole face and body feel tense. She reached out and turned on her phone looking at the time. 

3am, not that late in the grand scheme of things. Only problem was she had tried to go to sleep at 9:30, an attempt to jump start the process of calming down from her anxious spirals early. It hadn’t worked, she didn’t fall asleep once. 

Bill stood up slowly, bed creaking as she did. The sound seemed to ring out across her room and she paused, making sure Moira hadn’t somehow heard it and woken up. She really wasn’t in the mood for a lecture about her sleep schedule right now. 

She finally walked across the room and threw on a coat and shoes. Maybe she just needed a walk, something to clear her mind. The nights had been pretty warm lately as winter edged into spring. Bill creaked open the door to her room and slowly tiptoed to the front door. 

Once she had safely made it out of the apartment she set out, the chill air of the night nipping at her skin. 

It wasn’t the guilt that was at the forefront of her mind as she walked now. No, it was the betrayal, the fear. She had spent so long fighting losing her memory during those six months, it had left her drained and paranoid. Every time she misplaced something or forgot a name or a fact the fear would come back full force, hitting her like a train.

Bill knew it was PTSD, or something like that. She wanted to tell The Doctor more than anyone in the world, but god she couldn’t stand it when he took all the blame. He would get this look, and he’d almost shrink in on himself. She didn’t want that, she just wanted him to support her, maybe to talk about it some. 

The outside was less oppressively quiet than her room, cars and the wind making a pleasant white noise in the background. 

You wouldn’t think the lonely, dark outdoors calm her down as much as it did. But as she walked she could feel her thoughts simmer down, just a little. The conflicting voices telling her the near end of the world was her fault, and telling her it was the doctors, the grief and the anger and fear. They all took a back seat for a moment as she walked. 

It was like she was watching herself pad down the cold damp sidewalk. Not truly in herself as she made her way to nowhere. She still didn’t feel like she could fall asleep though.

After a while she came back to herself and looked around, a bit of clarity coming back. She had known where she was as she walked, but just hadn’t thought about it much. 

Bill stood in front of The Doctor’s office door. It dawned on her how weird it was that she was there, at 3 am, after having walked for about six miles in the middle of the night. She checked her phone again, 4, almost 5 am now. Over an hour of walking. Jesus, she really spaced out. 

Bill looked at the door again and sighed, what would she even say to him? That she couldn’t sleep because every time she tried she couldn't stop seeing him dead? That when she heard wood creak in her house it made her jump out of her skin? That every time they went to a space station she felt the panic crawl up her throat like bile? 

Her breath had picked up again as she stared at the wood in front of her. She had to stop thinking about this stuff, it was making her panic. Making her stupid. 

She knocked anyway. 

There was a pause, and Bill heard shuffling, but after a while The Doctor's voice rang out. 

“Come in!” 

Bill opened the door slowly and stepped into the room, smiling sheepishly. 

“Bill? What are you doing here so late?” The Doctor asked, sitting forward in his desk chair. He was smiling brightly and waved her in, when she didn’t immediately move, worry replaced his welcoming expression. 

Bill felt such relief seeing him, he was always so happy to see her. It felt like coming home, or like seeing family after a long time. She stood there for a moment more, staring at him not knowing how to proceed. 

“Bill What’s wrong? Are you okay?” The Doctor stood from his desk and stood in front of it, leaning against it in a relaxed pose. 

“I just couldn’t sleep, sorry, this is silly. I’ll go home now” Bill said, snapping back to the moment and waving a hand in dismissal. “Sorry to bother you this late, just wanted a bit of a walk and ended up here,” 

Bill laughed awkwardly, she scratched her neck avoiding eye contact. She was far too tired for this. 

“Don’t you live nearly six miles away? How long have you been walking? It’s freezing outside.” The Doctor pushed off his desk and pulled off his coat offering it to Bill. “Go sit down, I can take you home in the Tardis, it’s fine.” 

Bill took the coat, now noticing how cold she was and shrugged the coat on over her own hoodie. She was still in her pajamas, she hadn’t really thought she’d walk so far when she left earlier. 

She sat down in front of The Doctor’s desk. She could feel The Doctor looking her over and the worry she knew he was feeling. She fiddled with the hem of the jacket absentmindedly and stared at the edge of the desk. 

“How long did you walk for Bill?” The Doctor asked, making his way back behind his desk. He sat down but kept alert, staring at Bill like some sort of hurt animal. She wasn’t ever very good at hiding her emotions, especially when she was tired. 

“I think I left at like three ish?” Bill answers with a slight wince. The Doctor sighs and rests his face in his hands, pressing down on his eyes like a headache was coming. He looked as exhausted as she felt. The guilt washed over her again, this must be so inconvenient.

“Bill, stop thinking so much. I can practically hear your anxiety” The Doctor raised his head again and looked at Bill, his expression was creased with worry but there was a softness behind it, one of understanding and kindness.

She nodded slowly and tried to calm her hands and clear her mind. 

“Sorry, just realized how weird this must be for you” Bill laughed self consciously and shrugged. 

“It’s not weird, you’re always welcome here.” She let the words wash over her, comfort seeping into her very core when he said it. 

“Why couldn’t you sleep? Do you need to spend the night in the tardis? It wouldn’t be any trouble,” He asked her so softly, barely masking the worry and anxiety behind his words. He must be getting soft, Bill thought to herself. He was always so closed off about his emotions. 

“I just got kinda paranoid is all, thought a bit too much about those wood bugs from a few months ago” Bill laughed at her words, trying to play it off as a one time thing instead of an almost nightly occurrence. 

The Doctor seemed to see right through her though and frowned further, pulling out his sonic. 

“When was the last time you slept? And I mean fully, not just a nap. A whole night all the way through” 

Thinking back on it, Bill didn’t know the last time she had slept through a night without getting up. Sure the nightmares and anxiety had gone away a bit, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t woken up several times in the night before. Instead of answering Bill looked for a way out of answering, she eyed the sonic and shook her head in disbelief. 

“You are  _ not _ scanning me with that. What’s it going to tell you? That I have insomnia? Come on Doc.” She huffed more fake laughter and quickly realized her ruse was up by the look of waning patience on The Doctor’s face. 

“Okay, god fine. I don’t know, the last good night of sleep was probably at the beginning of... Well before we started traveling? Do you think it’s the tardis? Time travel sickness or something?” Bill was honestly hoping it was, that would be better than some sort of mental thing. Time sickness probably had a cure, and who knew about PTSD. 

Bill actually knew nothing about PTSD she realized, or really anything about mental health. It’s not like it had been a priority in her home, and it hadn’t really come up before this. She wouldn’t describe herself as depressed, or particularly anxious. Maybe a bit spacey but that was just part of her as a person, not a mental problem. 

Bill zoned back in to find The Doctor with that look, something she had said had made him feel guilty. Again. She could practically see himself shrinking in, retreating, running away. Her own wave of guilt and regret came rushing in, cornering her across from him. 

“Bill, i-“ The Doctor started, she could tell he was building up for some sort of speech, some apology. 

“Please god don’t say sorry, I really can't take that right now.” Bill found her voice and it all came rushing out. Like a broken damn she just started speaking, not thinking about the words but just letting them consume her thoughts as they rushed forward 

“I fully haven't slept in two days and I just walked an hour and a half here without even  _ realizing  _ I was doing it. I can’t take your guilt! I don’t know how to make this better and I can’t take you looking so  _ so” _ She took a shuddering breath and gripped the edge of the desk in front of her. “I can’t hurt you again! I just can’t do that. It’s not your fault and I can’t take this and I can’t hurt you oh my god- I can’t-“ 

She curled in on herself, breaths no longer coming easily but instead stuttering and gasping. She closed her eyes and a sob crept it's way up her throat as she dug her nails into the wood of the desk. 

She couldn’t feel her hands anymore and her mind was rushing, the room suddenly felt far too hot even as she shivered in her chair. She brought shaking hands to her hair and curled further in on herself not wanting to see what was probably the crushed face of her friend. 

“Bill, Bill what do you need right now? You’re having a panic attack,” She could hear the doctor, he was closer now. His voice sounded calm, like he was asking her a question during one of his lectures. 

“I’m going to touch your shoulder okay? Tell me if you need me to back off,” The weight of The Doctor’s hand settled on her shoulder and she couldn’t find the breath to tell him to leave. She didn’t even know if she wanted him to. 

“I’m going to take your hand now, the same rules apply as before.” The Doctor took Bill's hand slowly, releasing her grip from the desk. 

She felt him move her hand to his chest, the soft fabric of his t-shirt was warm against it. 

“Focus on my breathing, you’re going to knock yourself out if you keep up like that” The Doctor sounded so calm, she felt his voice vibrate through his chest as he spoke. 

Bill tried to math his breathing best she could, her breaths interrupted by sobs and incomprehensible words scattered between. 

When she finally calmed down enough to get a full breath in she lifted her head, eyes puffy and voice raw. Tears were still streaming down her face and she took another deep breath shaking all the way through. 

“There we are, good job. I’m going to get you some tea, are you okay being here alone while I do?” The Doctor asks, still holding her hand to his chest. 

He was in a sort of crouch beside her, his face was surprisingly normal as he spoke. He had a small smile spread across it and he squeezed her hand reassuringly. 

Bill nodded slowly, a few struggling horse words making their way out as she replied, trying not to slip back into a sob. 

“That’s- yeah. Sorry” She sniffed and drew her hand back, holding it against her own chest now. 

“Nothing to be sorry about, happens to everyone.” The Doctor stands up and she can hear his knees crack as he does. It makes her smile despite herself, he really was an old man. 

“Oh shut up, I’m still young” The Doctor said reading her expression. He smiled a bit more and left the room. 

Bill took this moment to try to compose herself more, taking stock of the environment around her. She could see the early dredges of daylight start to trickle in through the window and the exhaustion she had been feeling for the past few days came back all at once.

She rubbed at her face and sighed deeply, this was incredibly embarrassing. She just had what The Doctor had said was a panic attack, at nearly 5 am in his office, at her place of work. What the hell was this night? 

She heard rustling coming from the back room and her friend came back with two cups of steaming tea and a blanket. He set the tea on the desk in front of her and draped the blanket over her shoulders before taking his seat back across from her. 

Bill pulled the blanket around her and reached for tea. Her hands hadn’t stopped shaking yet, betraying her still roiling emotions. 

“Sorry about that. Again.” Bill mumbled, sipping the tea slowly. 

“Again, it happens to everyone. I understand.” The Doctor sighs and relaxes a bit more, leaning back in his chair. 

“Should’ve checked in more, it’s been a... bad couple of months.” He chuckled and it didn’t have any humor behind it, then took a sip of his own tea. He seemed impossibly old to Bill in that moment, all the years he’d been alive showing themselves to her. He stared into the middle distance for a while before turning back to her. 

“Two days is a long time to not sleep. You can call me next time I’ll come pick you up, you can stay in the Tardis.” 

“Do you think that would help?” Bill asked hopefully. If she could just crash at the tardis and her sleeping problems would be fixed, that would be great. 

“No, not permanently, but you would be close by.” He looked over his tea, studying Bill. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean I’d rather you not walk an hour and a half in the dark dead of night to come see me, disassociating all the way, then have a panic attack in my office at 4 am. I’d rather be able to just be there for you, for once.” It was The Doctor’s turn to rant, and he did so in a puff of exasperation. Going from his relaxed state lounging in the chair across from her to a stiffer more frustrated pose.

He ran his hands over his face again and took a shaking breath. Bill retreated into her chair a bit more, honestly too exhausted to give any more of a reaction. She didn’t think she could muster another ‘ _ panic attack’ _ that night. 

“I’m sorry. I’m just worried. I don’t want to lose you because I pushed you away,” He raised his head to meet her eyes, they shined slightly in the growing dawn and Bill could have sworn he was holding back tears of his own. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do any of this really” Bill was quick to try and cover any mistakes she had made that night, hoping to plea ignorance and accident. 

The Doctor sighed and leaned back staring at the cieling. 

“Bill, none of this is your fault. You should have had this reaction months ago if I’m being honest,” He glanced at a picture on his desk and paused for a moment. “You’re just like her sometimes, so brave, wanting to prove something to the whole universe, and so caring. She would’ve loved you.” 

“Who?” Bill adjusted the blanket and frowned, the compliments were nice but judging by the look on The Doctor’s face, he wasn’t happy about the apparent parallels. Not mad or disapproving either, just not happy. Maybe sad, but that would be too simple of a word to put to what was being displayed by the man in front of her. 

“My granddaughter, Susan. She was brilliant, you know.” He reached out and took a framed photo on his desk, staring at it sollumly. 

“Wait- you have a family? Like kids and stuff?” Bill woke up a bit more at that, tiredness leaving her for the moment. 

“Well, time lord old as I am it was bound to happen some time! Although it happened pretty early on if I’m being honest.” The Doctor pauses again and takes another deep breath. 

“I tried really hard, not to think of you like her. Not to feel the same way I did when I was a father,” 

Bill watched as a stray tear made its way down The Doctor’s cheek, he looked back at her now. 

“You’re family Bill, and family should be able to talk to each other and feel safe, I’m sorry if I hadn’t made that clear before.” He put the picture back and cleared his throat before standing up. 

“You should go get some sleep, I’ll make sure you don’t miss your shift. Go on” He made a vague motion at the tardis and it opened it's doors readily. 

It finally hit Bill what The Doctor had said. She was family, he was family. 

For the first time in forever, Bill had a proper family. As she stood up and the tears started rolling again, she rounded the table before pulling The Doctor into a hug, burying her face in his shoulder. It took him a moment but he slowly wrapped his own bony arms around her shoulders and leaned his head against hers. 

“You’re my family too.” She whispered, “and thank you, I think I really needed this” 

She let go and backed up a bit, wiping her face off with the sleeve of her hoodie. 

“We’re going to have a proper talk though when I’m less sleep deprived. This was way too weird not to.” 

“Oh, I guess as much. Go on then, sleep it off” The Doctor huffed and waved her off again turning a bit looking for something on his desk. 

The next hours of sleep where the best Bill had had in awhile, tucked away in the Tardis knowing her place in her little family, and feeling like she was wholly and truly safe for the first time in months.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope it wasn’t too much of a mess!! I am failing three university classes atm and don’t know what my insurance is doing rn so no therapy for me, so uhhh here’s the product of me being sleep deprived and sad myself. Also Bill and Donna are my favorite companions by far, so Donna might get her own fic soon too!


End file.
